five years

Posted on May 22, 2014 by tara

When you’re single, you’ve got a list (at least a mental one) of all the qualities you hope to find in a spouse.

He has to be smart. Funny. Faithful and active in the church. Handsome.

When you meet the guy who could be “the one”, you ask yourself a whole bunch of questions: Do I see myself marrying him? Buying a house? Having kids? Growing old together? Spending eternity getting to know each other?

Maybe, when the answer to all those questions is “yes”, that’s when most people decide to get married.

I knew I was going to marry Michael weeks before we were even officially a “couple”.

But being young and even more clueless about life than we are now, I didn’t realize that there were a whole bunch of other questions you’ll need to answer yes to when you commit your life to someone else.

Will you work hard while still finishing college to care for the both of you?
Wipe her tears when she’s crying over some completely irrational fear?
Remind her who she is when she forgets and isn’t sure which path to take?
Care about the things she cares about (even if that means spending $400 on surgery for a guinea pig)?
Never complain about having frozen pizza for the third time in one week?
Let her steal all your pajamas when her big, pregnant belly doesn’t fit in her own?
Hold her hand through thirty hours of labor?
Tell her that she’s wonderful and beautiful, even when she feels like she’s failed and is a complete mess?

I’ve been blessed with a companion who has always said yes.

I could not be more thankful. Five years ago, I never imagined where we’d be right now. I couldn’t have predicted how intensely we’d love our little girl, and how blessed we’d be to be welcoming another princess so soon.

Thank you, buddy, for the most amazing (and fastest) five years of my life. I’m so grateful to be on this journey with you.

i didn’t always know

Posted on March 18, 2014 by tara

Tiny toes curled up under a blanket, eating cereal and watching the snow fall softly.

I didn’t know that this is the kind of joy that comes from motherhood.

I never knew how full my heart could be.

These two little girls have shown me love in a form I didn’t even know existed.

I am so beyond grateful for their lives. I’m amazed when I look at our little family.

They are all mine.

I’m thankful that Michael chose me to be his wife, and that I’ll get to learn and grow with our girls each and every day.

It doesn’t get any better than this.

BUT…

If you would’ve asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up anytime between the ages of 4 and 19, I would have told you that I wanted to be a veterinarian, and that I wasn’t going to get married or have kids. There’s nothing wrong with having a career goal, but thinking that I almost missed out on the things that now mean the most to me is crushing.

I’m so glad my heart changed.

There is no professional or academic achievement that could provide me with the sense of wholesomeness that being a mother does. There’s just something about a warm little body curled up on mine, calm and breathing deeply, that fills my heart with purpose.

This is what I was born to do.I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my days.
“Children” by Elder Neil L. Andersen

you are my heart

Posted on January 27, 2014 by tara

(written January 26th)

Dear Kaya,

I wish you could know how much my heart hurts for you when you’re sick or in pain. Today, you were not your normal, happy-go-lucky self.

I’m going to blame it on all four of your canine teeth coming in at the same time.

No one one tells you how much you start to feel when you become a mother. Compared to now, it almost seems like I was walking around heartless before I had you.

Some little boy at church today kept trying to push you and take every toy you wanted to play with. Seeing your pouty little lip felt like sandpaper on my heart. You don’t know how much I wanted to run to you, hold you, and protect you from the world.

(source)

I don’t want anyone to make you sad.

I don’t want you to feel disappointed or let down.

But I know that as the years go on, you’ll have to learn the life lessons that every kid does.

I love you so much, Kaya. You opened my heart to whole new level of feeling, one I didn’t even knew existed. Your joy is my joy. Your pain is my pain.

And right now, I can hardly understand that I’m going to feel all that (and probably more) for yet another tiny person who I havent even met yet in just a few months.

Motherhood is crazy like that.

Motherhood is the best because of that.

our first christmas morning at home

Posted on January 2, 2014 by tara

We knew we wanted to spend Christmas day at home, just the three of us. I was a little nervous that we’d be bored, it wouldn’t “feel like” Christmas, or my holiday dinner would turn out awful.

As it turned out, this was the best Christmas yet- and it had nothing to do with the gifts or the food.

I definitely teared up on Christmas Eve, wrapping gifts and lovingly placing them under the tree, on the very same tree skirt that my parents used when I was little.

Our tree was somewhat bare this year (with a toddler and a puppy, I just didn’t want to undergo the hassle of trying to keep ornaments on it), but its glow was perfectly magical.
Kaya came into the living room on Christmas morning and couldn’t stop staring at the tree. She happily squealed when ripping the paper off her gifts. Her big surprise was a play kitchen! She immediately answered the phone… Kaya gave her daddy a remote-control helicopter just like Grandpa’s!

I think she likes it even more than Michael does… as evidenced by this kiss!Jax had a whole stocking full of treats. We gave him a big ole bone that he ate in probably under two minutes!
We had a simple, festive breakfast (m&ms for noses and buttons, mini chocolate chips for eyes and a smile)!
Powdery lips 🙂 I made pot roast in the crock pot, mashed potatoes, broccoli, and my mom-in-law’s famous rolls. Photo-bomber.

I was so worried about ruining our Christmas dinner, so I was surprised when everything tasted amazing. It might have been the most delicious meal ever, actually. (Kaya used her broccoli to eat her potatoes…)

It was the perfect Christmas. So much food, so much fun, and so much love.

happy 1st birthday, kaya!

Posted on September 19, 2013 by tara

Throughout the past few days, I couldn’t help but remember all the events of one year ago- our last prenatal appointment, staying up all night with contractions, arriving at the hospital, the doctor breaking my water, breathing deeper than I ever have in my life to get through the pain, and finally, realizing that my labor and birth wasn’t going to go the way I had hoped when I ended up on Pitocin and with an epidural.

That physical and emotional pain was surpassed with greater amounts of love and joy than I ever thought imaginable from the very second I laid eyes on Kaya. In that moment, I knew I had never loved anyone so much, and I couldn’t fathom love being any more intense than it was right then.

A year later, I can testify that there are no boundaries on true love. Our hearts keep growing and filling up with every smile, every cuddle, every kiss, and every new thing that she learns.

Happy Birthday, sweet girl. I’m so thankful for each and every day with you. You’ve helped me to see and love in a way I never could have done without you. You are the light of our lives.

You might be a toddler now, but you will always be our “Baby Bird” (even when you leave the nest one day…)

Thank you for coming to join our little family. We love you more than words can say!

Happy First Birthday, Kaya!

grateful

Posted on September 13, 2013 by tara

I’ve been so nostalgic these past few weeks. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had to choke back tears a few times.

More often than not, I’ve let them run down my cheeks.

My baby is about to turn one.

Where did time go?

It’s been a year full of laughter, tears, late nights, early mornings, cuddles and kisses.

It’s been a year full of LOVE and more joy than I could have ever imagined.

I’ve been looking through all her photos to choose some for a birthday slideshow. I came across this video, taken on her very first day. (it’s obvious that I was struggling with the camera big time here…)
http://youtu.be/zst_arIutYs

I watched that movie, and my heart filled up. I can almost, just almost, smell that precious new-baby smell. I can feel her tiny, warm body nestled into mine. I remember how snuggling and staring at her all day still didn’t seem to be long enough. I can feel the peace that was in that hospital room.

An angel had arrived to join our family, straight from Heaven. Innocent and pure, which is exactly what “Kaya” means.

Sometimes, I almost still can’t believe she’s real. We made that little girl. And she’s perfect.

I’m so grateful for you, Kaya Rose. Thank you for teaching me more about life and myself than I ever could have imagined. Can’t wait to celebrate your birthday together next week.

one and five

Posted on September 12, 2013 by tara

ONE year ago, I was 39 weeks pregnant and so very anxious to meet our baby girl. I had six days until my due date, 5 until I went into labor, and 7 until I’d be able to hold my sweet angel. Those last few weeks of pregnancy seemed to drag on forever, but this past year feels like it’s gone faster than I could bat an eye. (I still can’t believe Kaya ever fit in my belly!)

FIVE years ago today was the the day that Michael and I “officially” started dating. I can safely say that we are just as goofy now as we were back then. (Don’t you love our awesome photography skills five years ago? We took selfies before they were cool. Even cooler? Selfies with the camera flash on!)Michael was so sweet, kind, and caring back then… but he has become even more loving and sensitive as the years have gone on and our love has blossomed. I was twenty years old and somewhat clueless about a lot of things in life when I met Michael. Dating him was the best decision I could have made. I’m so grateful for the amazing example that he is. He’s the rock I can always lean on, and I find so much peace knowing that he will uplift and encourage our little girl in the same way.